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Stress! Stress!
Every day, all people experience stress to some degree. We, as parents experience a lot of stress brought about by work, going to the grocery store or driving a car. Even our kids experience stress – in their class, dealing with adults and even while playing a video game.
According to Dr. Han Selye, Father of the Field of Stress research, stress is the "rate of tear and wear of body."
In other words, stress is any type of change that causes physical, emotional, or physical strain. It is also how our bodies respond to something that requires our attention and action.
What makes parenting more challenging is because we, the parents, cannot predict everything that will happen with our children and what problems they may encounter.
But we realize that it is very important to give attention, provide support and/or offer help to our children when they get stressed.
That is why it is important to recognize the signs of stress and potential stressors.
Recognizing Signs of Stress
I remember my 13-year-old son looked upset and was grumbling but when asked, he just said “It’s ok.” He was cranky for the rest of the day and was biting his nails much more frequently. I knew he was not okay and he was stressed. So I made his favorite snack and later that day he confided to me that a school project was stressing him out.
When we recognize the signs of stress is it easier to know when to support our children or when to have that "let's sit down and talk" moment.
Take a look at some common signs of stress!
The next time you see one or two signs, make sure that you give more attention and support to your children. Sometimes a smile, hug or just by sitting by their side during their tough and stressful time is more than enough.
Recognizing Potential Stressors
In general, there are different things in life that can cause stress to people and we call these “stressors.”
Each of our children has a different set of stressors. For our children, stressors may differ as they grow older and step into a different stage of life. What stresses your teenage son may not stress your 9-year-old son. What stresses your daughter may not stress your son. Even identical twins may have different stressors.
Before our pandemic crisis, my son who was 7 years old then and was still attending a regular class, would complain of tummy ache and would ask permission from his teacher to go to the bathroom frequently. At times He would just draw and doodle on his notebook and seemed to be inattentive. I had a talk with the teacher and we arrived to the same conclusion he was having difficulty with Math. This subject was his stressor. After knowing this, I spent some extra hours in the night teaching him Math and even took him to a Math tutor twice a week. After several months, the teacher noticed he was not that stressed with Math anymore.
We need to teach our children to be more expressive with their feelings - what makes them sad, scared, upset or pressured. In that way, we have an idea of potential stressors in the future.
Here are some potential stressors for children:
- Major life changes (transfer to a new school or residence, divorce/separation of parents, relationship troubles (with friends or siblings), death of loved ones),
- Physical changes (changes brought about puberty, illness or disability),
- Academic pressure (getting high grades, meeting deadlines, school projects and new school lessons),
- Peer pressure (finding friendship, belongingness and acceptance),
- Bullying (physical, verbal, cyber-bullying)
- Unsafe environment (house with domestic violence, neighborhood with high-crime rate or health crisis like COVID-19 pandemic)
Sometimes it is also better to seek for professional help from a school principal or guidance counselor, a police officer, social worker or person of authority especially when the stressor becomes humiliating and harmful to your child.
Respond Stress with C.A.R.E
As parents, we need to respond to our children, who are going through such stress, with C.A.R.E.
- Calm and reassuring
voice – Use a calm and reassuring voice even when your child is irritable, aggressive
and throwing tantrums. It may be difficult to do but a calm and reassuring voice helps the child to calm down; whereas a loud and high-pitched voice may aggrevate the situation.
- Allow your child to feel and listen – Allow your child to feel whether it is a positive or negative feeling. Let him feel angry or upset or even cry. Listen and acknowledge these feelings. Let your child talk about his feelings and help them process these feelings.
- Relax and distract – Sometimes, children need a time-out. They need time to pause and to relax, too. Music, exercise, or a favorite movie perhaps could help them relax and get distracted from their stressor.
- Encourage
communication – Communication is very important between you and your child
during this very stressful time. You can communicate your support and love
through encouraging words or actions such as a warm hug, a smile, thumbs up or
a high-five.
Always remember that as parents, we need to be more observant to our children's actions, more sensitive to their needs and mindful of our own reactions.
Here are some additional information about stress among children:
- https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/children
- https://www.healthlinkbc.ca/health-topics/ug1832
- https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/002059.htm
- https://www.hopkinsallchildrens.org/patients-families/health-library/healthdocnew/helping-kids-cope-with-stress?id=2577
